Chaos. Madness. Destruction. Doom and Gloom.
These were the swirling thoughts and emotions that plagued my middle-of-the-night sleeplessness the other night, inexplicably tossing me from bad thought to bad thought, leaving me convinced of the utter unworthiness of every.single.thing.I.do.
Okay, maybe it wasn’t that bad. But it sure felt pretty dismal in the dark hours before dawn. Dark hours where light seemed so very far away, and where the clutches of my evil thoughts were so pervasive they left me paralyzed, unable to simply get up out of bed and literally shake them off, replace them with a snack or some mindless T.V, which would have surely lifted my spirits.
I’m not often prone to these middle-of-the-night sessions of “I Suck and So Does My Life And The World And Everything In It,” though I know people that battle them pretty regularly. So when I do have a night like that, it leaves me reeling for days.
It reminded of me of one of my favorite ridiculous movies, “Wayne’s World,” where Wayne and his faithful sidekick Garth bow down before beloved icons and idols with a repeated adulating of “We’re Not Worthy! We’re Not Worthy!”
So often, I think many of us get caught in a “we’re not worthy” cycle of thought. It goes back to the whole idea of comparison being the thief of joy. We compare what we have (or don’t have) with what those around us have (or don’t have). We compare what we do (or don’t do) with what those around us say we should do (or not do). We zero in on our weaknesses and inflate them until there is no room left for us to see anything else. On top of that, we allow ourselves a vicious and completely unhelpful game of “What if…”s that leave us trembling at the thought of the Mights and the Maybes and the Coulds. I don’t know about you, but the Mights and the Maybes and the Coulds are scarier monsters than any I’ve ever worried was lurking under my bed.
Honestly, it’s a wonder any of us get out of bed, when you think about it.
On the other hand, while the dust of my sleepless night definitely lingered, tainting everything I looked at with a shade of yuck, it also worked to activate the stubborn side of me who refuses to be told how to feel or what to do by anyone, even if it’s myself. It activated my inner Rocky Balboa. (Cue “Rocky” theme song, his running music where he ends up being followed by every child in Philadelphia. That was me, only I wasn’t running. Though I should be running, I mean that was part of the problem, wasn’t it—I really need to start running. And also, what am I doing that would inspire a whole city of children to follow me? I mean, really. Oh wait. Scratch that.)
Anyway, what I mean is: it activated the part of me that said: “Dark Night, you will not defeat me!” and so for days now I’ve been actively seeking out the light. I’ve looked for the abundance rather than the scarcity. I’ve focused on the goodness instead of the evil. I’ve allowed forced loving thoughts not just toward others but toward myself. I’ve put down my comparison notebook and encouraged myself to just live in the joy. It’s pretty cool, this life. So I think I’m going to sleep well tonight.
What can you do to you remind yourself that you are worthy today, even when the “dark night” starts to creep in?
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